I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
