mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
