I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
