My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize