Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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