i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
