Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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