Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Im part way to drunk.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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