I just threw up on my dentist
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
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He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
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Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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