I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Pooping to opera.
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