It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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