I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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