After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
