when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
