I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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