My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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