can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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