the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
