Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
