I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
