also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
