party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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