I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
