Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
