So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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