If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
