hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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