I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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