During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
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