She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
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