you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
