i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
