he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Vodka?
Forever.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
