update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
