I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
