You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
sarcasm needs its own font
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
