Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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