FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
