3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
