You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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