I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
