My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
They have beer where we have blood.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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