I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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