My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You're a waste of cheezeits
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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