you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
