the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
