I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
