if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
