A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
