someone owes me an orgasm
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
