I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
