He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
