After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
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I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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