I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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