If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
