Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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