im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
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