I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
